Since my last post, a lot has changed. I had taken the step to change medications from Venlafaxine to Sertraline. The change over happened within 3 weeks. I could not tolerate the side effects and have found many other patients online reporting withdrawal difficulties. I was suffering from insomnia before this medication and going onto this drug made things worse. Having said this, I am still aiming for improvement in my mood with a new medication alongside other positives in my life.
My son is doing so well considering all we have been through with my mother and people in my life that I once trusted, that let me down. If I was to write a book, you would be amazed on what I have overcome. I sometimes wonder how I am still here now but I know I have some good reasons to stay alive.
So I am now on Sertraline since February 2018 and moved up from 50mg to 100mg daily earlier in April. This could be my theraputic dose, who knows, I hang on in there. It has not been straight forward. I am at the stage in my life where I take things day by day although my ‘monkey mind’ is constantly thinking forward or sometimes expecting the worse. Have you ever read the book, ‘The Chimp Paradox?’.
Today I went for a walk for 30 mins up onto the rolling hills of Haslingden and pushing myself against my body saying ‘stay in bed and cancel all plans’. This is a daily battle and I hold on with the support of my fiance and son and the world around me will begin to feel more appealing and comfortable again.
I am currently trying to get the balance between doing enough with my life to stay functioning and not doing too much. That is not easy given fluctuating health issues. Sometimes days are like a walking a tightrope, wobbly put still moving forward.
I often catch my mind doubting friendships, trusting my own instincts and ability to ever get back to work and hold down a part time job. Working as a volunteer in research has saved me really. It gives me a sense of purpose and that my input with help future generations of patients. It has also connected me to some interesting people, both research professionals and patients.
I try not to compare myself and feel like I am not doing enough for Ethan. That is my depression talking and trying to make me feel inadequate. It is not ‘me’. As deep down, I know I work really hard as a parent.
At the moment, I am cautious and have held back to listening and helping others outside of my family. I want to feel the important one for a change and not listen to others issues. I have had too much of that in my life so far. I come first and I stay away from negativity or feeling overshadowed by others issues and dramas. It feels uneasy thinking and typing this but it is self first, not selfish. Am I worth it? Yes I am.
A lot of stress planning a wedding. On 7th July 2018 (10 weeks time) I will be Mrs Allen. New surname, new identity, new chapter. I have a new, loving extended family. At the back of my mind, I wish I felt different at this time in my life, but it is what it is and I can only look forward and make small steps.